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| My boyfriend recently expressed his insecurities about me going to Berkeley. I'm so happy with him; I don't know what I'd do without him. I told him I didn't want to leave him, I mean, why would I? But is not leaving something you can really promise?
You can tell yourself what's going to happen all you want, but the reality is that you never know what's going to happen. It might seem scary, but there's really only so much you can control. I looked at him that night and I just couldn't say those words, "I promise." I promise I won't leave you. I promise we'll always be together. After years of encountering broken promises and aimless hopes, it's hard to say you'll promise everything. I gave everything once, and got nothing back in return. And I can't allow myself to become that person that throws away everything.
There has really only been one person to break my heart. I sunk to the bottom of his priorities overnight, we would go weeks without talking, and worst of all, he just stuck around and kept making me think he would change. I have learned the hard way that people barely ever really change. You either find a way to live with their flaws or you leave eventually. I left about two years too late. I think after being attention-starved for so long, a part of you just remains insatiable. You wonder if you'll ever find someone worth being with, and when you do find them, you ask yourself if it's real, why it happened to you, and what you did to deserve it.
Now the both of us have moved on, found people much better suited for us. I guess we were never very compatible, and I don't know why it took us so long to call it quits for good. I have tried to be nice and become friends, but it's hard to become friends when you were never really just friends to begin with. Then I realized he just was never very good to me, even as just a friend. But somehow this person waltzed back into my life again. I think it's hard to cut someone out of your life once you've had so much history together.
After another attempt to be friends again I realized that I just don't want to be that person. I don't want to put in any effort into something that is probably never going to blossom into a real friendship. I don't think he's a good friend, and he definitely wasn't a good boyfriend. All I can say is that I don't mean to be mean or smug or anything, but I really hope that he treats his next relationship much better than he treated me, because I don't wish the pain I went through upon anyone else, no matter who they might be.
So I don't know what will really happen with me and my boyfriend, but I only hope that we'll end up staying together. For good? Who knows. My boyfriend is already extremely turned off to the thought of marriage. I do see us together in the future, but I am not going to make any promises that I cannot keep. I just can't.
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| I wonder if it ever fully goes away: the longing, the wishing what could have been. I feel bad having something good already, and yet wondering if there's something better. I wish there were clear-cut answers to these things, but as of right now my mind is very fuzzy.
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| There's just something about you that always brings me back.
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| It's Springtime, it's almost April, and things are actually going pretty well, despite some issues with patience and anxiety.
So for the past two years I've been attending Skyline College (and CSM as of this semester), and I must say that the experience wasn't very bad at all. I know as a freshman a lot of people have their hearts set on going straight to a 4-year university and getting away from home and the restrictions (or in my case, shackles) of their parents, and I did too, but things don't always work out the way you plan, and you just end up having to make the best of things. After finding out I'd be at home for another two years I had to turn things around really quick, and get my school stuff in order if I ever wanted to attend a university on time (in two years). I'm happy and glad and thankful to say that I did, and although there were moments of bitterness and restlessness and other less-than-stellar emotions involved in going to community college, I can say that I gained a valuable experience there and overall I am glad I stayed home.
After all the crap that happened in my senior year I never knew I'd get a fresh start, a clean slate. I had the chance to upgrade my options, to turn my "reach" schools into possible schools and my possible schools into safety schools. As of right now, in my fourth semester at Skyline, I am happy to say that I've done that. I almost thought it was impossible, but when you decide you're going to turn it around, you can always turn it around. And I was motivated, so motivated to prove my mother wrong, to get into a school better than UC Santa Cruz, to become a good student again, that I just didn't have any other choice.
At Skyline I transitioned into college classes in a small-scale setting, with all kinds of people as classmates, and for the most part, pretty good instructors. I took two classes from one Geology instructor and we became pals because I am pretty sure I was one of the school's only (voluntary) Geology "scholars," taking two Geology courses, one with lab and one without, and also by taking Oceanography. I found out what I wanted to study early, got my major down, and covered all the bases to get in for my top choice school, Cal. Now I know it's not very uncommon at all for someone to say their top choice is Cal, but I have my solid reasons, and the matter of prestige hits the bottom of the list.
Of course, my two years at Skyline wasn't all smooth sailing. I got a grade lower than expected in Anthropology because I didn't "participate enough" and felt I was graded unfairly, thus no longer liking that teacher. The counselors nearly screwed me out of getting into the schools I wanted, and I had to do a lot of research myself which was very confusing and took a long time to get down. I dropped Chemistry late enough to get a "W" on my record to salvage my GPA since I was doing such a shitty job in lecture (and sadly, doing well in lab). I thought I could do two lab classes in one semester, to which my geology instructor cringed. And even with these mistakes, there's a lot of good that you do too, and you just set a new plan and work through it.
When I chose to stay in Geology and dropped Chem, I was so much happier and more at ease, and I gained a lot from being in that class: more insight into what I'd want to study in the future, some killer fieldtrips, and not to mention, my boyfriend.
My current boyfriend and I started dating in October, and became officially together in late January, which means we've been together for two months. He's sweet, he's funny, and he's always good to me. We both came out of really rocky relationships before our own, so we weren't used to being in a relationship that wasn't messy and painful and involved arguing all the time. I have a feeling we still aren't. And after sorting out through my fickle dating habits and indecisiveness, I can say that we have been genuinely happy, and I haven't known what it's been like to be genuinely happy in such a long time. I was so used to getting hurt and disappointed that I never knew if this would happen for me again, and definitely not this soon.
And even with how good and wonderful everything has been, there's a possibility things might change drastically over the next few months. After this fall semester I will be transferring, but I haven't decided yet where it will be. So far, I have gotten into UC Santa Cruz and UC Santa Barbara, and I am still waiting on UC Berkeley and UCLA. Of course, if I don't go to UCSC or Cal it will be really difficult to keep this relationship going, but I must say that after finding out about SB, UCSC is almost completely wiped out of the running for me.
So here I am, just waiting for the possiblities of my future to be revealed, and oh how long a wait it's been and will still be. In the past recent years, I never thought I'd have a chance to get into a school like Berkeley or LA. And as corny or weird or lame as it may sound, I must say that this is what community college does for people. And I am no longer bitter or sad about going to community college, because all that I've gained is so much greater that what I have lost.
Thank you, Mel Zucker, for being a mentor and a great instructor, and for helping me figure out what I want to study. And thank you for showing your students all those cool slides and for making those "Down to Earth" episodes, and of course, for your humor.
Thank you, Martin Santos, my incredible boyfriend, for making me believe in love again and for supporting me through all the tough times I've gone through this school year. I want to be with you no matter where I go.
So after two years of staying home and attending community college, I want to say thank you (to the universe, or whoever this applies to) for a second chance, for my clean slate. Thank you to everyone who supported me and believed in me. I hope everyone at one point gets a second chance at something, and makes it work. Everyone deserves one, and I'll be happy even if this is the only one I'll ever get.
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| I'm kind of confused as to how well things are going right now.
I'm about to conclude my worst semester to date. Hello mediocrity...
The love life is bleccchhh. I am very much unfulfilled.
At least I'm not sick, and I have two classes that went really well, and things with my family are okay, and I have a job next semester. Those are big up-sides.
I'm so impatient. Is it April 30th yet?
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